By Roxanne Smith
Our only child Jakob is a freshman in college. Andy and I just returned from visiting him at his college, two hours away from where we live. I wish I could say it was a wonderful weekend. It wasn’t. It turned out to be really difficult.
I wish I could say it was a wonderful weekend. It wasn’t.
I had every intention of going and being a blessing to our son. I miss him very much and have been looking forward to Parent’s Weekend since he left home in August! Instead, midway through the weekend I turned in to a weepy, angry version of myself. Ouch!
Jakob wasn’t in a great place…he’d had an infected socket after wisdom teeth extraction, and he was in pain following an oral surgery debridement down to his jaw bone. Ouch!
I wasn’t in a great place…I have chronic pain, and it takes enormous effort for me to travel in our adapted van. I had to attend “Parent Weekend” activities lying down on my cot. To make things worse, I didn’t sleep well AND no one talked to me at the mixing events. Ouch!
Andy was in a better place than the two of us, but he’s been missing Jakob a lot in our transition to the “Empty Nest” and wanted nothing more than family harmony. He didn’t get a pure version of that. Another Ouch!
Through a set of miscommunications we ended up spending the afternoon in our hotel room instead of with our son.
We were able to attend the college’s Music Festival. However, Jakob, who plays clarinet in Orchestra and Wind Ensemble, wasn’t able to perform because of his healing tooth socket and I of course had to lie down.
I have to admit that my expectations were part of the problem. I wanted to meet Jakob’s new friends. He tried inviting two of them to visit our hotel room, but they had other plans. We stopped in at his dorm briefly, but it was fairly empty.
I have to admit that my expectations were part of the problem.
The marketing materials which had been flooding our inbox showed pictures of parents and their students smiling and laughing together. The college was providing events such as flag football, rock wall climbing, and a tailgate dinner for the families before a volleyball game. It seemed like they were really promoting community in this small Midwest liberal arts college.
That sure wasn’t our experience. It seemed that most parents who came for the weekend took their son or daughter away from campus instead of doing the scheduled events on campus. Those who stayed didn’t seem all that interested in mixing with other families.
So rather than dealing graciously with my frustration and disappointment, I let some angry words fly. I was crying, Jakob was crying, and Andy was trying to make peace. What a way to bless my son.
I was crying, Jakob was crying, and Andy was trying to make peace. What a way to bless my son.
I started sensing God prompting my spirit. “Roxanne, stop for a minute! Listen to Me! You don’t want to blame Jakob, not really; you don’t want to burden your son.”
God helped me break through the emotional pain I was feeling to blurt out an apology. It wasn’t the success or failure of Parent’s Weekend that mattered; it was the relationship with our son. Where Jakob lived and what he would do as an adult would change over the coming years…but our love for each other would be the true goal.
It wasn’t the success or failure of Parent’s Weekend that mattered; it was the relationship with our son.
And frankly, life is always harder to figure out when disabling chronic pain is involved. Jakob said halfway through the weekend, “It’s just so much easier for other families!” It’s true: how do you interface with the able-bodied world when you have to lie down 22 hours per day??? We know how to be a family at home…we need time to figure out how to be a family away from home.
We know how to be a family at home…we need time to figure out how to be a family away from home.
On Sunday we attended church together and received Holy Communion. I was incredibly aware of how flawed/imperfect I am. But I was able to receive God’s grace. Even though I blow it, God keeps working in my life and helping me to grow.
After church I told Jakob that I need God’s help more this autumn than I have in a long time. I told him I was glad that I knew where to go to receive God’s strength. I told him I would try to keep my expectations in check, next time we visit him. When we said goodbye, the air was clear between us.
Even though I blow it, God keeps working in my life and helping me to grow.
That’s what grace is. Being an imperfect human being and having God say He loves me anyway. Experiencing relational strains and then having God come in and bring forgiveness and a fresh start. And I am grateful.
The featured image was taken by Elisa Schulz and used with permission. To see more of Elisa’s work see her Facebook page. Elisa is a local photographer who enjoys working with families to capture special moments. She loves to photograph God’s creation. You will always find Elisa with her camera!
I love you, Roxanne!
My love backatcha, Allison!
Roxanne, you are a saint! Amazingly articulate, and not whining. You are daily in my prayers. The “minor affliction” I have seem so petty, compared to yours. My doctors say MRI shows my brain to be shrinking, particularly the part that controls balance. Sooo- when I’m on my feet, I hang on with one hand, work with the other. My 4-wheeled walker goes with me everywhere. But Jesus also goes with me everywhere – so I have nothing to complain about, right? May God continue to bless you and your family. Winslow
Winslow, my heart goes out to anyone with physical challenges…they just take so much patience! And our gracious God indwells our process of learning to “lean more”–in your case, literally!–on Him.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Oh Roxie,you are such a blessing to so many,thanks for your transparency and allowing us to see God’s grace in action
Sue, it is a challenge to let our flaws be known when it would be easier to hide them and to try to present a perfect front. But as you and I know, a church isn’t just a place for saints, but for sinners who know they need God!
Roxanne, I am the mother of Laura, a colleague of Andy’s. Laura sent this to our other daughter who is having an extremely difficult time with her relationship with God. Lisa seems to be hitting roadblocks wherever she turns. I pray that she sees the beauty in your writing that will carry her in to tomorrow. Thank you for sharing
Paula, so nice to meet you (online, at least!) Andy has enjoyed his working relationship with Laura for years. I am honored that she would share this blog post with you and with Lisa!
I hope Lisa senses that God is here for us, flaws and all, and it’s not so much what we do for Him but the grace with which He envelops us that matters. And when we experience roadblocks in life, it’s not that God doesn’t care about us but that He will help us in our struggles. Blessings to your family!
Roxy, thanks for sharing your heart and soul here. I weep with you and I thank God with you for all He is revealing to you about true Life and His grace for us. You are ever in my prayers.
Thanks for your wonderful empathy, Linda. You have a tender heart! And you also understand first-hand the ups and downs of parenting college-aged kids!
Thanks so much for sharing this, Roxie! I’m so sorry your weekend didn’t go better and I pray your next visit is more enjoyable. They told us when our kids started college that the first year was the hardest, especially that first couple months. Hang in there until Christmas break and things will definitely improve. I will pray that holds true for you and your family. God bless!
OK, Bev, I’ll keep your advice in mind. I know that with God’s help I will have more realistic expectations next time!
Thank you so much Roxanne for sharing the struggles that us Empty Nesters and/or POCS(Parents of College Students) experience. I have found so little emotional support now that they’ve graduated. MOPS and Mothers of their friends are out of our lives now. We feel so alone sometimes with the new challenges and unknowns our families face. Thanks for being a voice in your above blog to share in the frustrations so we don’t feel like we are the only one who doesn’t look like the parents in the college brochures. God bless you!
I love your POCS acronym, Louann! But I’m sad to know you also feel alone at times. Maybe we need to start an online POCS group…perhaps a Facebook page? What do you think? I think if we moms support each other we can be at our best to support our young adult kids.
Thanks for sharing. When our Josh graduated from basic training we went all the way to Ft. Benning for the graduation but they did not want to let the guys even gto for dinner with their parents because they thought the guys might not come back to go to Germany the next morning. God helped. I somehow got to talk to the general and he finally let all of the guys go for 3 hours. Even now with our married girls they are very very busy and I cherish the time that I get to spend with them. Last Tues. Carla, Jennifer and Johannah went to a dinner to watch me get a golden violet for 50 years in my sorority but they all had to give up some things and go out of their way. I didn’t tell them how important it was so Carl did. I am so thankful for 3 daughters, 3 great son-in-laws and 6 great grandchildren and yes I have to make sure that I communicate well with them!
Your insights are helpful to me, Beth. I look to more experienced empty nesters like you to learn how to be a support to Jakob as a young adult without expecting too much from him!