By Jamie Renken
It was a Monday afternoon. I walked into the powder room and closed the door behind me. Three days late was unusual for me, and so, in secret, I peed on the stick. I could hear the others walking around, talking loudly as children often do. But I had no idea what they were saying. All I knew was a two-minute wait would be unnecessary. There they were, two lines in all their glory, mocking me.
My heart throbbed against my chest as I bellowed the name of the man who I would unfairly blame for this ‘Life Interruptus’. “David!!!”
He came running, confused. I later learned that he thought he was in trouble for clogging the toilet. His jaw dropped as I thrust the stick out for him to see.“How did that happen”? Yes, he actually said that. We thought we were being so careful. Did you know that when using Natural Family Planning, all the rules change after 40? I guess I missed the memo.
There they were, two lines in all their glory, mocking me.
I drove my son to his play practice in the rain and felt disappointment overwhelm me. I was 44 years old and I already had six children and the youngest was already seven.
Hadn’t I been generous, Lord? I was working on my Masters degree and could finally see a life for myself beyond diapers and teething rings! Isn’t this what you wanted for me, too, Lord? You opened every door. It was the plan! I finally got my body back. Will I still be able to run and work out?
My son got out of the car and I sat numb. I called my friend, Liz, and she listened as only a friend can. As I talked it out, my emotions flip flopped between sadness and joy. It was, after all, a baby!
My son got out of the car and I sat numb.
I started for home and my mind raced with thoughts of what was to come. I cried as I numbered the sacrifices I would have to make, the additional years this would add to ‘raising small children’.
Just as I wondered how I could possibly handle another baby, a beautiful rainbow appeared in the sky ahead. This rainbow was so splendidly vivid, I called my husband to tell him. “God is reminding me that He is a God of promises!” I exclaimed. “I wish you could see it with me!” He replied, “Honey, it’s for you. You should hang up and enjoy it.”
“God is reminding me that He is a God of promises!”
I wish I could say the rest of the story was filled with total acceptance of God’s precious gift. The truth is I cried almost every day of my pregnancy. The depth of my grief shocked me. I couldn’t understand how a new life could feel like such a deep loss.
I knew God had covered me in grace and I learned I needed to extend grace to myself in this. The loss was found not in new life, but in the letting go of my vision for my future. God understood and He loved me through it.
I knew God had covered me in grace and I learned I needed to extend grace to myself in this
Sophia Rosalie has brought life and deep joy to our family. She is 4 now and her favorite thing to do is draw and color. It should come as no surprise that she especially loves to draw rainbows.