By Megan Bahr
When I was a little girl, I could always be found with my arm hooked around a baby doll. When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would answer, “A mommy!”
The weekend after I turned 11, my own mommy drove me to a Red Cross babysitting class. Upon getting my babysitting certificate, I got my name out around the neighborhood and soon had numerous babysitting jobs lined up. By sixteen, I had all the names of my eventual six children picked out. Needless to say, I dreamed of the day I’d become a mom and hold a real baby of my own.
When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would answer, “A mommy!”
Fast forward ten years. Instead of sitting and nursing my babies to sleep, I found myself sitting in doctor’s office chairs. After numerous tests, it was determined that I had a severe form of Polycystic Ovarian Disease, in which the hypothalamus in my brain was malfunctioning. My brain was not producing the right ratios of hormones for me to become pregnant and sustain a pregnancy.
We sought the expertise of a world- renowned infertility specialist. With him, we went through 10 rounds of hormone therapy over a four-year time span. This involved daily injections of hormones in my abdomen, weekly doctor appointments, and making an hour round trip three times a week to have my blood drawn. It was exhausting and draining and truly tested my faith and my marriage.
My brain was not producing the right ratios of hormones for me to become pregnant and sustain a pregnancy.
God blessed us with two pregnancies through this. However, both ended before we got to meet the little ones. To say we were devastated was an understatement.
During these four long years, the hope I clung to came from God’s Word. Hebrews 11:1 states that “faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” I tried my hardest to trust in God and remain hopeful.
1 John 5:14-15 also says, “that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of Him.” I remained confident that He heard my prayers and when the time was right, He would grant me a child.
I remained confident that He heard my prayers and when the time was right, He would grant me a child.
When I experienced my miscarriages and my anguish consumed me, I would recall Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” This verse would remind me that His plan is perfect, even when I do not understand.
Psalm 84:11 promises that “God does not withhold any good thing from those whose walk is blameless.” Now, I am by no means blameless, but neither were my infertile sisters in the Bible. I found seven women in the Bible who experienced infertility, and every one of them eventually went on to bear a child.
Sarah in Genesis 15-21 gave birth to Isaac; Rebekah in Genesis 25 bore twins Jacob and Esau; Rachel in Genesis 29 and 30 had Joseph and Benjamin; the wife of Manoah in Judges 13 became the mother of Samson; Hannah in 1 Samuel 1 gave birth to Samuel and other children; a Shunammite woman in 2 Kings 4 had a son; and Elizabeth in Luke became the mother of John the Baptist. So, I found myself in good company.
During our four year struggle with infertility, we experienced hills and valleys, but the darkest valley came when our specialist, and two other specialists to follow, told us that we would never bear biological children. Unless we wanted to pursue in-vitro fertilization, there was nothing more they could do for us. In praying about in-vitro fertilization, we did not feel peace about it, and believed that to be God’s way of telling us it wasn’t what He wanted us to do.
All the hope I had in becoming a mommy, my little girl dreams and fantasies, what I thought was my purpose in life, vanished like a mist. There was nothing left to hold on to. Hopelessness made itself at home in my heart. My faith in God was shaken. I was angry. How could God treat someone He loves like this?! Was what I read in the Bible a lie? I was left with the question, what now?!
Hopelessness made itself at home in my heart. My faith in God was shaken. I was angry.
My husband and I decided to take a break. We had consumed ourselves for four years with our desire to become parents. It had consumed our time and our thoughts, with not much room for anything else. It was time to try our hardest to set it aside and attempt to enjoy the other blessings we had lost sight of–our marriage, our family and friends, our hobbies.
We asked that God would take our desire to become parents away, so that we could focus more on the life He had planned for us, because as it seemed to us, it was not parenthood. Boy, were we wrong!
I remember the morning as plain as day. Four months had passed from our last miscarriage and the time we had determined to stop all treatment. It was Easter morning.
My husband was in the shower and I was at the sink brushing my teeth. He called out and said, I think we should look into adoption. I said, “Really?!!!” in that girly sort of way as if I had just been asked to go to the prom. It was as if a shade had been spread open, letting light filter into my darkened heart where hopelessness had resided for so long.
That Easter as we were driving around visiting family, my thoughts were on what my husband had suggested. I decided to speak up and see just how serious he was. As the word adoption passed my lips, we pulled behind a car with a license plate that read ADOPT. OK God, we get the message!
As the word adoption passed my lips, we pulled behind a car with a license plate that read ADOPT.
A few weeks later, I found myself sitting in a chair learning all about our adoption options at an adoption information meeting, surrounded by many other hopeful parents. Fast forward exactly nine months, I found myself sitting in a rocking chair in a hospital room, rocking my baby girl moments after she was born. Looking upon her beautiful face, I realized that the past five years all made sense.
The plan God had for me all along was revealed. His promises were true! I never felt His love for me so strongly.
As my daughter has grown, I continually am reminded that God’s plans are always better than my own. He is a Sovereign God. God tells us in Isaiah 55:9, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
Our daughter was so meant for our family. She is the little one I dreamed about and hoped for since I was a little girl. In hindsight, I can say, that I would go through ten more years of infertility if it meant that I got to be her mommy. She is my dream come true!
The story doesn’t end there. We had sat down with a pastor during our struggles with infertility. When asking him why God wasn’t answering our prayers for children, he said that God will answer your prayers in one of four ways: Yes … No … Wait … and More Than You Could Ever Imagine!
He did answer ours in a way far more than we ever imagined. When Lilia was just four months old, without any assistance from doctors or artificial hormones, we conceived a child. That child is now a handsome three-year-old boy. Two years after that, we were blessed with another baby boy.
When Lilia was just four months old, without any assistance from doctors or artificial hormones, we conceived a child.
I can’t tell you how many times people who have heard our story about adopting and then conceiving, have said, “Oh, I hear that all the time … someone, who can’t have children, adopts and then goes on to bear a child.” I don’t believe these things are just coincidences.
God used our infertility to point us towards His ultimate plan at just the right time. His plan was for our daughter to be raised by us. He chose four years of infertility to deepen our faith, strengthen our marriage, and plant our daughter in the family He knew she needed.
God used our infertility to point us towards His ultimate plan at just the right time.
All I can say is thank You, God! Thank You, God, for the struggle, thank You for never leaving my side through the hills and valleys, and thank You for blessing me every day with hearing the word “Mommy!” come from my children’s lips!
